In the driver’s seat: sex drive and sexuality in everyday life

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Desire is multifaceted. There are movies and then there is real life. Psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten explains just what desire is – in our everyday lives, how we can nurture it or kick start it back into gear.

What is ‘sex drive’? What increases it and what hampers it?

Desire is multifaceted. It can be influenced by social feelings and interactions or biological causes, but it can also be influenced by our psychological reasoning, and feelings play a huge part in how our desire is created. Desire is when you own the fact that you want something, and it’s never just in our heads.

You can imagine a person that you desire and can create a whole fantasy of how that interaction will be. You are in a story that you yourself energise. You can imagine the taste, the touch, the sensation, the warmth. You are in a sensory sexual experience that hasn’t even happened yet. You have a sensory reaction to something that isn’t even there yet.

Our erotic mind works wonderfully with the simple power of imagination, it is unique, and it is essential to when you want to preserve this desire. When you want to be an erotic person, or a sensual person, or a sexual person… you need to feel like you are deserving of engaging with that part of yourself. That is the personal experience of sexuality. How do you motivate yourself to engage in your sexual self? How do you own the fact that you want to have that side of you engaged?

When you lose imagination, when you lose the wanting of your sexual self, you can understand that you lose the desire and an important connection with yourself.

Sex drive is like driving a car.

If you can’t start the ignition, it’s hard to go anywhere. You need to know what is affecting you at that time from a biological, social or psychological function. Sex is not spontaneous and natural, in-fact you need to have a bit of oil and fuel to get the journey going.

If you want to move forward, you need to put your foot on the accelerator. This is a deliberate move because you want to reach your destination. How do you get yourself in the mood? If you communicate your needs, is it a better sexual experience. If you feel good, you can be more present. These are all accelerators. I suggest you write a list of what works for you.

Braking will slow things down. What could slow down or stop your sex drive? Too much stress, work hours, illness, mental health, partnership problems, self-esteem. These and many others could put a brake on your sex life. I suggest you also write down some suggestions for brakes.

Losing focus will make you lose your way. Kind of like texting while you are driving, you can only do one thing at a time. If your head is more interested in the washing and dishes in the sink, it’s hard to be present in a sexual interaction. Make sure your mind is on the journey at hand and you are in control of your vehicle.

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